The Human Condition, Socail Survival Instincts & Isolation. (And Trotsky)

Im sad, Alone.

It would be wrong to say abandoned because it would not be wrong to say this isnt my fault, isn't that a double negative?

I look upon the 100+ people on my mobile phone and my mind can think of a reason for not talking to any of them.

The same thing exists on a bigger scale with the 455 people I have on my facebook.

Its not that I don't want to talk to these people, But I can predict there reactions to me attempting to talk to them. A prime example being a friend of the opposite sex who you used to talk to all the time but now they have a boyfriend it seems like you are trying to flirt with them. they can look down upon you from thier rightful place on the throne of the human condition.

Its all together possible that I'm wrong, and pherhaps theres a kindled soul within the limits of my communication who is feeling as alone and sad as I am, but theres so much risk. But wait, theres no risk, I'm not going to be harmed or die because of talking to someone in any of the most likely predictions of situations why talking to those people, maybe I should just talk to them.

theres probably a good reason why my mind is throwing up all these reasons for not talking to people, If my ancestors hadnt needed these instincts to survive, they would'nt be there, but maybe I'm just being silly.

Maybe I could just meet someone new, and we could both do the absolute most we could to make each other happy.

I've done it.

I've spoken to someone, albiet shielding my true reasons and using a general point that had to be addressed with that person. pherhaps thats all normal socail communication is anyway.

She put a smiley.

Hope is there.

False, Naive, Temporary hope.

but isn't that all anyone ever has? Isn't that what hope is supposed to be.

Constant hope sounds satisfieing but it would be pointless, in the same way Trotskys constant revolution would be. But I understand the draw of both, not to say I'm a communist.

Still at least Trotksy had something to do.

If you find yourself struggling with lonelyness then your not alone, And yet you are alone, so very alone.

Going in mental circles at Warp 9. wheres cloud gone? and hang on, Cloud 9? does it exist?

 It has come to my attention that due to a recent illness I've linked back to my first post in becoming a characterure.

The illness has me pretty much bed ridden so I've been forced to cook fast food, watch star trek, play pokemon on small handheld devices & play outdated playstation games like Dynasty Warriors 4 or Final Fantasy 7.

Myself playing a console as a feature in Pokemon Blue.
I Thought it summed up things well.

Ray Liotta Giving Fatherly Advice in "Blow"
I've always related to his character a lot more than any other in the film.

its true that I enjoy all of these things, And I've managed to have one big night out with friends at a local pub in the mean time, but one has to wonder, am I wasting my small amount of life. 

There is the arguement that anything you enjoy can't be a waste of time, then theres Ray Liotta's argument from 'Blow' about wasted talent, not that I'm saying I have any.

I do truly believe my body is telling me to do something responsible which is sad because I'm not one to do something predictable, I seek out the feelings and things that I wish to enjoy that I believe make me feel safe or accepted.

Marlon Brando
"Could've Been a Contender, Could've been Somebody"

It sounds a clich'e but I'll be very dissapointed if I find myself dying without doing something a bit different, but the fact thats happened to so many people already is testiment to fact that by default, humans want more than they can have.

I've recently had much feeling on the subject of getting a girlfriend but I remember the massive feelings of thinking for two and being trapped that I felt last time. But oh well.

A psychologist would probably say its normal for my age, and its just my Brains way of deciding how I'm going to be for the rest of my life and thats why I'm confused. But what do I know, I'm not a psychologist.

"Damnit Jim, Im a Doctor not a psychologist"

Zack Fair.
Executed.

I find my obsessions are once again creeping up, with last months mixture of Final Fantasy 7 (particuarily Cloud's Flashbacks and Zack Fair, and anything to do with Nibelheim) to a soundtrack of the latest Bombay Bicycle Club Album ("Bad Timing" & "Lights Out/Words Gone")

Spock, Kirk & Bones on the Bridge of the Enterprise.

Star Trek : the Original Series which I've enjoyed for sometime to the soundtrack of "She Wants" by Metronomy and "Olympic Airways" by the Foals is the latest, this is what I mean by wasted time. Truth betold though I'm bored of the Bar scene and I don't believe its helping anything, so Why dont I just enjoy the things I enjoy. The simplest equasion.

Mark from Peep Show did refer to it as "Gaddafis Law" mind, Jeremys face summs up my confusion perfectly.

Jeremy Of Peep Show.

My first video please watch :)

Looking at the outside from the inside? what? What you going on about now Shatner?

Recently I have been recieving a rather odd experiance and I cant explain it.

I'll be sitting in the pub of choice, where I'm on friendly terms with the bar staff and the owners, listening to music that surprisingly good for a local act. I'll be drinking a Strawberry & Lime Rekordlig and maybe I'll play a few games of pool.

This sounds like my ideal sort of day from when I was 17 but something has killed it.
Now I sit there just constantly analysing my performance in socail interactions, wishing to go to sleep and just generally not getting involved in any conversations (or just adding irrelevant points).

It could be, as my friend suggested that the pub in question is just a bit shit, and weekend I spent at a festival recently has made the rest of the activities in my normal week seem mundane.

Or the the conclusion ive come to is that although I always swore I never would, I'm living superficaily.
I'm just living life as a normal person doing things that a normal person would do, and thats why my brain seems to be constantly analysing what I'm doing as some sort of wake up call.

I believe I've fallen into this habit due to the lack of any love life at the moment, And I'm starting to think its time to Dust off operation girlfriend and get someone. The thing is my previous attempt at doing this not a few months back led to much annoyance and disdain towards femalekind due to flirting and leading on and so forth.

At the same time though, despite missing all the benefits of a girlfriend immensly, I Can't help but think how I felt last time, only 6 months ago. The feeling of being trapped, and the desire to be as one rather than confined as two.

Bottom line is, the dominant ideology of relationships I retrieved from my last one was exactly this.

"you meet someone you like and you believe you have lots in common with, you recognise a mutual attraction. then you keep getting to know each other until you discover things you really dont like about those people then break up." I of course mean this asexually as this is true of men and women in my opinion.

This is going to suck, and theres no way to tell if youve done it right until your well and truly stuck in with a relationship and unable to back out without causing heartache.

one of the more annoying part of the game of life I must say, the need to pair.

I guess this is why I'm depressed anyway.



Me on a Bike Ride earlier.



                                                                                                                                

A short list of inspiration.

Martin Riggs. (character)

Andrew Largeman. (character)

Tim Bisley. (character)

Raoul Duke. (character)

Nick Stone (Character)                                                             

Banksy.

Lev Yilmaz.

Simon Pegg.

Jim Morrison. (R.I.P)

Spock (character)

Joseph Meehan (character)

Hunter. S. Thompson (R.I.P)

Vincent Valentime (character)

Bill Hicks. (R.I.P)

Hannibal Lector. (character)

Augustus Hill (character)

Mike Sullivan (character)

James T. Kirk (character)

Frankie Wilde (character)
Benjamin Braddock (character)
Theo Faron (character)
Captain. Benjamin. L. Willard. (character)
The Elephant Man/Joe Merrick (R.I.P)
Seth Bullock (Character, based upon a real person.)
Bernard Black (character)
Joel Berrish (character)
Nick Drake. (R.I.P)

These are all the people and characters that have influenced me to live the way I do, and a lot of them my personality is actually based upon. I'm not saying this to show how cultured or credible I am but rather as a silent tribute to all of these figures that I find respect for, particularily to Bill Hicks, Nick Drake, Hunter S. Thompson, Joe Merrick & Jim Morrison who are probably the most inspiration 5 on that list who happened to be actual people, confined now only to the past tense.

To all those cringing thinking that I'm trying to make my sound individual or interesting dont worry, I know the idea that we are all "acting" and that we are all sensitive souls inside is often the cry of the hormonal 16 year old, but I believe its one of those things in all of us that goes without saying, forgetting of course those too ignorant to try and get along with others.

 The reason I bring it up because I was thinking today about the lives we live, I've come to the following conclusion. On paper the best kind of life to live is to extend a legacy that extends as long as possible to generations after you existing only as a memory, even if the thing your remembered for is bad because when we are talking about human kind as a species through all the hundreds of thousands of years mankind has existed, nothing any human has ever done has been particuarily disastrous in the grand scheme of things.

 Whatever it means, I rather think despite legacy mattering to nearly everyone else. just living your life is a testament to your own life, regardless of the way you live it. its what you experience, not what others already have. It bothers me sometimes thinking about the Millions of lives that have happened and finished of all the humans before us that are forgotten forever and not in history. but despite theyre being no direct history of them they did experiance life as fully as any of us.

 

I suppose its all about perspective, do you live in the moment or do you ever seek out the future ambitously, both are considered the philosophys of characters that many people follow, so pherhaps I'm not so silly to be influenced by a character. The perspectives themselves are constantly evolving, now that we have the luxuries we have more time to think. In the time of Seth Bullock people didnt have time to debate philosophy. they were too busy living life to look in at thier own lives from an outside perspective.

                 All I know is, Im Hungover, Tired, Headachy, Hungry & Scared about dieing of old age,

 even if I do have a legacy to leave behind, And I certainly do not at the moment.

The Beast that is man.

The Tottenham  London  Black August riots have just finished.

I only bring it up because I think the entire thing is fascinating. Everyone knows its began with the fatal shooting of Mark Duggan who was known for carrying firearms, pointed and aimed a gun at a police officer and was then shot fatally.

Now initially I understand, even though he was fairly shot under rules of engagement, people might be a little miffed if thier mate was killed and it would be fun to trash a few cop cars and then scatter before your caught.

Its whats happened since that fascinates me, and as Ive watched the coverage of this mass destruction of television the same quote keeps running through my head.
"The man the makes a beast of himself, takes away the pain of being a man"
I cant remember where I heard it, but it suddenly popped into my head why watching it, and I suppose its very true in this circumstance. There are many reasons suggested why the riots took place, The government suggest that it shows "the Moral Crisis of Britain" today, others suggest Race tensions, A few even compared it to a communist uprisal that was a long time coming.

Its my own personal opinion that people just like to smash stuff up, steal and freshen things up a bit with a little chaos. and that the other 'causes' were just 'civilised' human beings distancing themselves from the rioters.

I dont believe in the term 'civilised' human, We could all do the things man has considered "inhumane" and probably much worse, from Smashing and looting in london to Playing football with Bosnian heads in Serbia and anyone who describes the Rioters in an 'Us & them' style of narrative of the riots is being unrealistic.

At the risk of being labled a Revolutionary or Cold. I think the riots themselves are some of the purest expression I've seen a long time. And I've enjoyed watching them on television as a spectacle as I know millions of others have as well, although not nearly as much as the people actual rioting probably enjoyed themselves.

And to the victims, I say you've had Human Nature forced upon you when you had so come to expect the 'civilised' way that people are supposed to act. And although I sympathise with any small time shop owners or owners of material goods who can scarcely replace them. I very much enjoyed Sony being looted.

I almost laughed when the coverage of the riots finished and the first headline was "THE HACKING SCANDAL" as I thought that was dead and buried.

Memories.

I know I've already covered nostalgia however....

I found a phone of mine recently, it was the phone I had 4 years ago.
I looked through it to find some recollection of something personal to me at that time.
No texts, Call Logs, a few pictures that I already had.

Eventually I went into the Music only to discover the Memory Card had been taken out, but what still remained, although unplayable was my playlists.
By unplayable I mean I could see what they were but I couldnt listen to them.

The Strangest thing happened, in that I saw the name of a song, that I'd completely forgotten.

Spoon - I Summon You.

It inadvertently reminded me of everything I'm going to lose when I finally leave the Sixth Form of the School that I've been at for 7 years.

So To Wet Lunches,

Lost Time,

Bemused Wondering,

Slow Understanding of human interaction,

New smells, sounds and sights.

Angry teachers,

Childhood activities,

Not having to worry about serious exams,

Pointless squabbles,

Duke Of Edinbourogh award,

The pack lunch/ dinner divide.

awkward moments of love and worry.

school boy crushes

& Uniform Paranoia.

I Shall Consider You Your Own Era.

Out of all of those things, for some reason the thought of Wet Lunches brings me the most sadness.

Vague memories of myself as a Uniformed student walking around in the rain why most huddled inside come back to me now, along with the smells and sounds I used to experiance.

If I Could, I Would Do It All Again.

A Word I understand to be Nostalgia

Recently, due to a bit of a rut in my life I've come to try and re-connect with things I loved from my childhood. this does not mean however that I've been walking around in baggy trousers or being the wierd older kid at the park.

I mean rather smells, sounds and sights that transport you back to that time of innocence and total protection. the time for the more abrupt learning experiances lack of experiance based confusion, however when I put it like that it doesnt sound to different to now.

Smells and sounds in particular are very powerful at reminding one of thier youth. mine include the smell of new rubber reminding me of my first pair of shoes & the smell of grass reminding me of boyful playing in fields in the village that I grew up.

The things I have done to reconnect have reminded me of my childhood, but they've also reminded me of how shite things are as of now, especaily as those things seem a lot less fulfilling. One example is playing Age Of Empires 2, The Conquerers Expansion. a game I loved as a child, and I have a wierd thing the first level of the Aztec campaign that reminds me of my brother and being happy.
Playing it earlier just reminded me that it was a game, although looking at certainly pixelated images did remind me of a much happier time. previous experiance tells me not to try and do the same nostalgic activity too much else you writhe the memory out of it and just create a new version of just you playing it trying to rememember things.

What instead did surprise me was the feeling of nostalgia I can incorporate from more recent feelings.

For example for the last few years I went through some fairly strange obsessions, which include.

1) Donnie Darko - I loved the dark theme of it, downloaded the soundtrack and listened to it in dark rooms.

2) Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas - I loved the idea that the world had once conquered bad things in the glorius time that was the 60's, I listened to the Youngbloods - Lets Get Together over and over again reading the book version and looking at pictures from Woodstock.

3) Garden State - I based my personality on the character of Andrew Largeman for about two years, and still do sometimes. I even bought a Blue hoody, and brown trousers like he wears in the mid part of the film.

4) Lev Yilmaz's Tales Of Mere Existance - I loved how relative it was to my own life, I downloaded all the the videos in mp3 form and listened to them in public places so I could judge Humanity.

to take one as an example, I re-read Fear & loathing recently and it reminded me of the warm feeling I used to get during that state of mind, and I allowed myself one listen of The Youngbloods song along with Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones, it was almost as if I was remembering my own personal time for the 60's (oh and how I wish I had been there)

In Conclusion, Current Affairs are less that appreciated, however Memories are the way.
and in a better summary.
I FUCKING MY CURRENT REALITY.

The 18th year.

Becoming18 serves as a milestone for anyone, in a much stronger sense that the traditional 'sweet sixteen' thing that the americans go on about (although 16 candles wasnt a bad film).
It means I can legally buy alchohol anywhere that serves it to members of the public.
This is great as it means things will be a lot easier in terms of partys but I cant help but think its an Era gone.

No more shall I be able to feel the childish sensation of getting alchohol illegally by getting older brothers to buy it and drinking it in a park anywhere. it seems the common enemy of 'drinking laws' that united us underage drinkers is now officaily gone, like I'm no longer a member of that club.

It also marks my turn into Adulthood.

when I think about this at first I think its good, then I realise its the final breath of my innocence.

Im sitting here at 11:36, just 23 and a half minutes before I become whats known as a man.

Ill never be a kid again, never get into boyish shannigans and from now on, the seriousness starts.

Jobs, Marraige, Kids, Health problems, Old age....

your 18th birthday serves as an important milestone as a boundary between that, you could always say, well I'm not even technically an adult so why am I worrying.

Now the slow decay of time shall take its toll on my body and finally kill me.

Oh it seems why I've been writing time has continued, as its now 00:04

Happy Birthday to me.

P.s. I think this sign sums up the best advice for my life after my birthday party is finished.

Empathy.

empathy [ˈɛmpəθɪ]

n

1. the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings

2. the attribution to an object, such as a work of art, of one's own emotional or intellectual feelings about it

 

 

This picture is a group of my friendship group that went to a pub quiz,

 I'm in the picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its amazing the feeling that can be achieved when everyone in the room has positive energy towards each other, It sounds Hippie-ish, but it an amazing feeling, the feeling Banter usually breaks. Its uncommon to have a group of people in common, constant empathy with each as something is always going on that breeds paranoia or worry that stops yourself being that vunerable with a group of human beings.

 

Whats much more common is an empathy stage between two people, usually in a romantic sense.

Theyre has been many times where I have experianced this particular feeling and I usually remember those times as the happiest memories I have, that I frequently re-live in nostalgic thoughts, or over-romanticised dreams.

 

Usually these feelings of empathy are only experianced when the two are alone, or at least are left alone.

 

They are characterised by :

1. a feeling of an amazing connection with another human being. 

2. a sense of purpose and understanding of life, that makes everything worth living.

3. an unrealistic sense of happieness that makes you think that pherhaps those silly singers were right.

 

unfortunatly, due to the secluded and personal nature of the interaction between the two, whatever it might of been, it usually means when you see that person again amongst normal people its unbelievably awkward.

 

This, as it has been for me on multiple occasions, is very saddening, like an amazing chapter of your life is over. I dont hold a grudge against any of them except one, as I understand that its wierd when your out of the unrealistically happy comfort zone that you spent the time together in,

like a cliff,

or on a close friends Sofa,

or in the back of a car when music is playing so loudly that you accept it as your new reality.

 

The fact is, if you ever find yourself in one of these situations, and believe me you'll know when it is,

make sure you savour it, because if your anything like me, you will miss it a lot.

Its not the sex, or maybe not even with physical contact, usually in fact its either after the sex or just when your chatting.

 

The thing is though, by its very nature I dont believe this experiance can be shared between a couple, but I believe it favours better with two people who don't know each other, or at least based on my experiance I believe this to be true.

 

In theory a couple should be able to continue this feeling of empathy indefinitely but I believe its niave for a couple to assume that its required, as I've never achieved it in a relationship, but Im not a good example.

 

 

This is a picture of two of my friends who are now in relationship, they were both very drunk when this was taken and Myself and another girl were in the room at the time, yet they look so happy together.

Pherhaps being drunk is the key?

(Just so you know, they are hugging)

 

 

 

 

 

 

This aside, I just hope more of these experiances come my way, as they are, without a doubt, my favourite thing about life.

 

 

And to a girl called Becky that I thought I knew, I say I honestly don't believe you are the same girl I spent 8 hours on a cliff with watching the sun come up,

 

I will Honestly remember it forever.

 

These are just two silly teenagers, one of them was about to have what he considers the best night of his life I'm informed, the other is going to enjoy the night and then ignore the other for as much as they can.

 

Goodnight.

A Whole World of Male Ego

Friends are friends, they might not even be friends but you spend enough time around them with other friends and they become friends.

Recently I've been going down to the same Pub pretty much every weekend, Although this weekend I only went once (due to a lack of money and interest).

Its a rather strange little pub that contains a Bar (obviously), a table football table, a Sofa, a Dj area and an ambitously named "Bear Garden".

Ive only utilised the Sofas however for inside drinking, and the Bear Garden for outside drinking and smoking (smoking ban & all)

Groups of usually 8 of us go, who are a mixture of friends from various places around the county I live in, and they all are on different levels of friendship with me. Needless to say The Banter is ongoing as usually the ratio of boys to girls in this random group is usually Boy dominant, and being a member of this group of usually 8 I must suffer this socail construct.

The banter could be considered a subtle, yet blatant way to find a chink in ones armour as reacting to it is contrary to good, laughing it off can attract a different form of negative attention however that I can't explain.
Striking back with witty comments is effective but usually is a short term solution as it can extend the argument and after a few drinks things can turn hostile.

The best answer I've found is not to bring up the banter so not to be entered into it, but when the banter comes your way just smile, look at the ground and mutter just loud enough "Bastard"

This provides comical element for the group that you can join in showing you can take a joke, but also flattering the banter-ers ability to create a joke, therefore creating a situation where everyone is laughing at the situation rather than you, meaning you can laugh too. 

Its easily pulled off after a few drinks and a ciggerette or two, although It has occured to me that Smoking socaily may soon have many negatives, at the moment however I only do it because it relaxs me and I feel fairly complacent doing it, giving my hands something to do when everyone is sitting there.

The nights at the pub themselves are mainly hit or miss, and its iffy whether I have enough money to have a decent night out meaning sometimes I have to rely on handouts from friends, they do serve as a distraction to being at home bored, although If anything I was generally interested in came up I would avoid it like the plague.

Maybe I'm being harsh, thier tolerant enough to hang around me after all, and I have had a few very good nights down thier when live bands where in and we were all drunk enough to dance and sing the songs we knew. Viv' la empathy. (whatever that means)

'Not saying it was your fault, although you could've done more'



Until next time, the banter must go on.

P.S This is a picture of the beer garden and two of the 8 sitting on what I now call the 'Banter' table outside this pub.

Wasted time, and why Star Trek isn't helping.

I'm not sure if this has happened to anyone else, but I'm finding myself becoming a characture.

The offerings of a modern world upon a 17 year such as myself are amazing, something that anyone from any previous generation would marvel at, and yet I am apathetical towards all of them.

Those from the previous generations already had what I miss most, and what drives me away from the offerings that are within my reach.

I have wondered around my house for 2 days now, talking to no one other than a very old friend of mine by text, who seems not to keen on texting ever since an issue of the topic of romantic feeling came up between us last month.

Looking back upon the texts I have sent it seems all to clear that my desperation is showing.

It just seems that after a moment of romantic physical, or emotional contact with another human being, for the next few weeks all of the normal things I do when I'm at home are written off as wasted time, and theyre for unsatisfieing.

Today I watched 6 back to back episodes of the original Star Trek purely to see what all the fuss was about, knowing that in doing so, I had become a characture of a lonely person who stays at home.

This does not mean by any chance that I will never have a moment of romantic contact again, but it rather means that I do not see it happening in the near future.

It sounds sad to admit, but I enjoy the themes of fantasy presented to me in games like Final Fantasy 9, in the same way I enjoy themes presented in Books, Star Trek has come as a welcome change to my usual diet of Nerdist activities, but although I appreciate it was groundbreaking for its time, I believe being so young I cant appreciate its full nature, as the groundbreaking things about it are in a lot of texts I have seen from more modern texts, theyre is a small inkling in the back of my head that says that I enjoy it far more than I should considering the low standard of definition and computer effects that I'm seeing, in the same feeling of hope that I get when I watch the 4th, 5th & 6th Star Wars films.


I'm still not seeing why people would want to make it thier Religion though, and please don't let yourself think I'm a nerd, I shall post various other things that would make evidence contrary to this belief.

Whats odd is all the things I do when I'm not at home, seem like they happen to a different person.
And the version of myself that stays at home remains a lonesome fool who doesnt get out much.

Rally' Ho!