Recently I have been recieving a rather odd experiance and I cant explain it.
I'll be sitting in the pub of choice, where I'm on friendly terms with the bar staff and the owners, listening to music that surprisingly good for a local act. I'll be drinking a Strawberry & Lime Rekordlig and maybe I'll play a few games of pool.
This sounds like my ideal sort of day from when I was 17 but something has killed it.
Now I sit there just constantly analysing my performance in socail interactions, wishing to go to sleep and just generally not getting involved in any conversations (or just adding irrelevant points).
It could be, as my friend suggested that the pub in question is just a bit shit, and weekend I spent at a festival recently has made the rest of the activities in my normal week seem mundane.
Or the the conclusion ive come to is that although I always swore I never would, I'm living superficaily.
I'm just living life as a normal person doing things that a normal person would do, and thats why my brain seems to be constantly analysing what I'm doing as some sort of wake up call.
I believe I've fallen into this habit due to the lack of any love life at the moment, And I'm starting to think its time to Dust off operation girlfriend and get someone. The thing is my previous attempt at doing this not a few months back led to much annoyance and disdain towards femalekind due to flirting and leading on and so forth.
At the same time though, despite missing all the benefits of a girlfriend immensly, I Can't help but think how I felt last time, only 6 months ago. The feeling of being trapped, and the desire to be as one rather than confined as two.
I'll be sitting in the pub of choice, where I'm on friendly terms with the bar staff and the owners, listening to music that surprisingly good for a local act. I'll be drinking a Strawberry & Lime Rekordlig and maybe I'll play a few games of pool.
This sounds like my ideal sort of day from when I was 17 but something has killed it.
Now I sit there just constantly analysing my performance in socail interactions, wishing to go to sleep and just generally not getting involved in any conversations (or just adding irrelevant points).
It could be, as my friend suggested that the pub in question is just a bit shit, and weekend I spent at a festival recently has made the rest of the activities in my normal week seem mundane.
Or the the conclusion ive come to is that although I always swore I never would, I'm living superficaily.
I'm just living life as a normal person doing things that a normal person would do, and thats why my brain seems to be constantly analysing what I'm doing as some sort of wake up call.
I believe I've fallen into this habit due to the lack of any love life at the moment, And I'm starting to think its time to Dust off operation girlfriend and get someone. The thing is my previous attempt at doing this not a few months back led to much annoyance and disdain towards femalekind due to flirting and leading on and so forth.
At the same time though, despite missing all the benefits of a girlfriend immensly, I Can't help but think how I felt last time, only 6 months ago. The feeling of being trapped, and the desire to be as one rather than confined as two.
Bottom line is, the dominant ideology of relationships I retrieved from my last one was exactly this.
"you meet someone you like and you believe you have lots in common with, you recognise a mutual attraction. then you keep getting to know each other until you discover things you really dont like about those people then break up." I of course mean this asexually as this is true of men and women in my opinion.
This is going to suck, and theres no way to tell if youve done it right until your well and truly stuck in with a relationship and unable to back out without causing heartache.
one of the more annoying part of the game of life I must say, the need to pair.
I guess this is why I'm depressed anyway.
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| Me on a Bike Ride earlier. |
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