Looking at the outside from the inside? what? What you going on about now Shatner?

Recently I have been recieving a rather odd experiance and I cant explain it.

I'll be sitting in the pub of choice, where I'm on friendly terms with the bar staff and the owners, listening to music that surprisingly good for a local act. I'll be drinking a Strawberry & Lime Rekordlig and maybe I'll play a few games of pool.

This sounds like my ideal sort of day from when I was 17 but something has killed it.
Now I sit there just constantly analysing my performance in socail interactions, wishing to go to sleep and just generally not getting involved in any conversations (or just adding irrelevant points).

It could be, as my friend suggested that the pub in question is just a bit shit, and weekend I spent at a festival recently has made the rest of the activities in my normal week seem mundane.

Or the the conclusion ive come to is that although I always swore I never would, I'm living superficaily.
I'm just living life as a normal person doing things that a normal person would do, and thats why my brain seems to be constantly analysing what I'm doing as some sort of wake up call.

I believe I've fallen into this habit due to the lack of any love life at the moment, And I'm starting to think its time to Dust off operation girlfriend and get someone. The thing is my previous attempt at doing this not a few months back led to much annoyance and disdain towards femalekind due to flirting and leading on and so forth.

At the same time though, despite missing all the benefits of a girlfriend immensly, I Can't help but think how I felt last time, only 6 months ago. The feeling of being trapped, and the desire to be as one rather than confined as two.

Bottom line is, the dominant ideology of relationships I retrieved from my last one was exactly this.

"you meet someone you like and you believe you have lots in common with, you recognise a mutual attraction. then you keep getting to know each other until you discover things you really dont like about those people then break up." I of course mean this asexually as this is true of men and women in my opinion.

This is going to suck, and theres no way to tell if youve done it right until your well and truly stuck in with a relationship and unable to back out without causing heartache.

one of the more annoying part of the game of life I must say, the need to pair.

I guess this is why I'm depressed anyway.



Me on a Bike Ride earlier.



                                                                                                                                

A short list of inspiration.

Martin Riggs. (character)

Andrew Largeman. (character)

Tim Bisley. (character)

Raoul Duke. (character)

Nick Stone (Character)                                                             

Banksy.

Lev Yilmaz.

Simon Pegg.

Jim Morrison. (R.I.P)

Spock (character)

Joseph Meehan (character)

Hunter. S. Thompson (R.I.P)

Vincent Valentime (character)

Bill Hicks. (R.I.P)

Hannibal Lector. (character)

Augustus Hill (character)

Mike Sullivan (character)

James T. Kirk (character)

Frankie Wilde (character)
Benjamin Braddock (character)
Theo Faron (character)
Captain. Benjamin. L. Willard. (character)
The Elephant Man/Joe Merrick (R.I.P)
Seth Bullock (Character, based upon a real person.)
Bernard Black (character)
Joel Berrish (character)
Nick Drake. (R.I.P)

These are all the people and characters that have influenced me to live the way I do, and a lot of them my personality is actually based upon. I'm not saying this to show how cultured or credible I am but rather as a silent tribute to all of these figures that I find respect for, particularily to Bill Hicks, Nick Drake, Hunter S. Thompson, Joe Merrick & Jim Morrison who are probably the most inspiration 5 on that list who happened to be actual people, confined now only to the past tense.

To all those cringing thinking that I'm trying to make my sound individual or interesting dont worry, I know the idea that we are all "acting" and that we are all sensitive souls inside is often the cry of the hormonal 16 year old, but I believe its one of those things in all of us that goes without saying, forgetting of course those too ignorant to try and get along with others.

 The reason I bring it up because I was thinking today about the lives we live, I've come to the following conclusion. On paper the best kind of life to live is to extend a legacy that extends as long as possible to generations after you existing only as a memory, even if the thing your remembered for is bad because when we are talking about human kind as a species through all the hundreds of thousands of years mankind has existed, nothing any human has ever done has been particuarily disastrous in the grand scheme of things.

 Whatever it means, I rather think despite legacy mattering to nearly everyone else. just living your life is a testament to your own life, regardless of the way you live it. its what you experience, not what others already have. It bothers me sometimes thinking about the Millions of lives that have happened and finished of all the humans before us that are forgotten forever and not in history. but despite theyre being no direct history of them they did experiance life as fully as any of us.

 

I suppose its all about perspective, do you live in the moment or do you ever seek out the future ambitously, both are considered the philosophys of characters that many people follow, so pherhaps I'm not so silly to be influenced by a character. The perspectives themselves are constantly evolving, now that we have the luxuries we have more time to think. In the time of Seth Bullock people didnt have time to debate philosophy. they were too busy living life to look in at thier own lives from an outside perspective.

                 All I know is, Im Hungover, Tired, Headachy, Hungry & Scared about dieing of old age,

 even if I do have a legacy to leave behind, And I certainly do not at the moment.

The Beast that is man.

The Tottenham  London  Black August riots have just finished.

I only bring it up because I think the entire thing is fascinating. Everyone knows its began with the fatal shooting of Mark Duggan who was known for carrying firearms, pointed and aimed a gun at a police officer and was then shot fatally.

Now initially I understand, even though he was fairly shot under rules of engagement, people might be a little miffed if thier mate was killed and it would be fun to trash a few cop cars and then scatter before your caught.

Its whats happened since that fascinates me, and as Ive watched the coverage of this mass destruction of television the same quote keeps running through my head.
"The man the makes a beast of himself, takes away the pain of being a man"
I cant remember where I heard it, but it suddenly popped into my head why watching it, and I suppose its very true in this circumstance. There are many reasons suggested why the riots took place, The government suggest that it shows "the Moral Crisis of Britain" today, others suggest Race tensions, A few even compared it to a communist uprisal that was a long time coming.

Its my own personal opinion that people just like to smash stuff up, steal and freshen things up a bit with a little chaos. and that the other 'causes' were just 'civilised' human beings distancing themselves from the rioters.

I dont believe in the term 'civilised' human, We could all do the things man has considered "inhumane" and probably much worse, from Smashing and looting in london to Playing football with Bosnian heads in Serbia and anyone who describes the Rioters in an 'Us & them' style of narrative of the riots is being unrealistic.

At the risk of being labled a Revolutionary or Cold. I think the riots themselves are some of the purest expression I've seen a long time. And I've enjoyed watching them on television as a spectacle as I know millions of others have as well, although not nearly as much as the people actual rioting probably enjoyed themselves.

And to the victims, I say you've had Human Nature forced upon you when you had so come to expect the 'civilised' way that people are supposed to act. And although I sympathise with any small time shop owners or owners of material goods who can scarcely replace them. I very much enjoyed Sony being looted.

I almost laughed when the coverage of the riots finished and the first headline was "THE HACKING SCANDAL" as I thought that was dead and buried.